Walking with God down difficult roads.

What do we do when we see pain and suffering in this world, and yet we are helpless to do anything to help it? It is especially difficult when it hits close to home and it is a friend or family member going through it. This has been a struggle for me recently as we’ve had to watch our niece Andie walk toward the difficult task of a bone marrow transplant. 

On one side, this is an incredible miracle and opportunity for her as this transplant should transform her life because it will get rid of the Diamond Blackfan Anemia (DBA), which has caused her to be dependent on blood transfusions every 3-4 weeks her entire life. The miracles of modern medicine are an absolute gift from God and are something to be celebrated, and we will rejoice when she gets to the other side of this. 

On the other hand, she has to go through very intense chemotherapy prior to the transplant to essentially nuke her body and immune system so that the transplant can be successful and her body will take on the new bone marrow (definitely don’t know the nuts and bolts of it, but this is my very simplified understanding of it). Then there’s always the underlying fear of her body rejecting the new bone marrow or other complications.

All of this has been so complicated to process and it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, especially now as she is in the midst of chemo and today is when it’s supposed to really get hard. My heart breaks for my niece as she has to go through the pain - physical, emotional, spiritual - of all of this, and for her mom, Jenn, as she walks through this with her, by her side, and for her Dad, Shawn, and sister, Hannah, who are home in Dorchester trying to live life as normal when it really is anything but normal for them right now, but Hannah needs to finish her final year of elementary school and Shawn his first year as principal of an elementary school. If I’m struggling with it all and having a hard time, how must they all be doing? How can I even understand when I’m just the uncle seeing them going through this, not the parent or sibling? All the words I have to say to them seem to fall short and seem so insufficient for what my heart is feeling and saying and what they’re enduring.

In the end, all I can do is share my love with them, even if it’s only from a distance, and continue to cast my burdens upon the Lord; lifting them up in prayer and petition to our good Father who loves them more than I could ever comprehend. I could get angry that Andie (and by extension her family) has had to endure so much throughout the entirety of her young life, and I could direct that anger towards God for putting Andie through this, but I know that that isn’t the case. Could God have cured Andie with the snap of His fingers? Yes, He could, but He didn’t. That is the double edged sword of living in a broken world under the sovereignty of a God who has chosen to give us free will rather than us being robots. Free will comes with benefits, but it also comes with brokenness and illness and troubles and pain. Our free will has allowed us to choose God, but it also has allowed us to choose another way, and any way other than God’s way leads to brokenness and pain. In the beginning, we as humans decided we knew a better way and chose to rebel against our creator, bringing sin and pain into His good creation.

I will be clear, I am not talking about any individual’s choice to not follow God’s way, but in general, as humanity, us not following God’s way; in no way shape or form do I believe that anything Jenn or Shawn have done or didn’t do, etc caused Andie to be born with this anemia. She was born with it mainly because we live in a broken world where people have sickness and disease and pain, some of which we can trace the cause of, and some of which is completely inexplicable and unjustified, but I digress.

So what are we to do? Well, Paul and James would tell us to rejoice in all circumstances and trials, as hard as that is to do, and sometimes can seem impossible. Of course, rejoicing doesn’t always look like shouting praises from the rooftops, sometimes rejoicing can be in the midst of tears and crying out, simply saying “God, I trust you” even if it’s just in our hearts. It’s being grateful for the blessings we do have, even when it feels as though they are being drowned out by our pain and sorrows. So, as I weep tears that I don’t always know where they are coming from or why they are suddenly appearing, I choose to thank God for His goodness and mercy, even in the midst of difficulties. I thank Him that we live in a country where my niece can get the life saving treatment she’s gotten over the years with very little financial burden on her family in comparison to many other places in the world. I thank God that He has brought modern science and medicine to a place where we have treatment options available. I thank God that Andie was born in a country where she had access to treatment and wasn’t born in a developing country where she surely would have died. I thank God for how He has made my sister such an amazingly strong woman and mother who has fought for her daughter for the last almost 16 years, including starting a charity to help fund research and bring awareness to DBA so families in Canada wouldn’t have to face DBA alone like they did. I thank God for the young woman that He has been making Andie into (and her sister Hannah as well) in the midst of her difficulties and pain. I also thank God that in Him nothing is ever lost or meaningless because He will use all things for the good (Romans 8:28), and I believe that He will use everything Andie has gone through to bring blessing to the world in ways I can’t even fathom at this point. 

I could go on; there are so many things to be thankful for and to rejoice, so I will rejoice in them, even as I weep. We serve a God who is ok with our struggles; I would argue that He even is glad that we struggle when things are not as they should be, because it means that we know that He wants better for His entire creation and that it is an injustice that brokenness and pain exist. I am so thankful for the Psalms that show us that it is alright to live in the struggle and to bring that pain and suffering to God. The lament Psalms are powerful examples of what it means to live in real relationship with God, being honest about the pain that comes in many different forms throughout life. The amazing thing about the lament Psalms is that they all are so honest about pain and anger and suffering, yet they all end in praise (outside of Psalm 88, which is followed by an incredible Psalm of praise in Psalm 89). They remind us that even though the night may be dark, there is always the morning; there is always hope, as long as we continue to look to Him and allow Him to lead us through the situation. Even in death, we know that He has victory and that we will be restored and resurrected at the end of all things, with no pain, sickness, suffering, or brokenness. He is always victorious and in Him we always have victory, even when we can’t see it. 

So, God I praise you for who you are and what you’ve done. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You are always working, bringing restoration to your creation. You have brought so much restoration in my life, and I know you will continue. I put my whole trust in you and I give Andie, Jenn, Shawn, and Hannah to you, knowing that no matter what comes, that you are still faithful to them and that you weep with us as we walk down this road. Thank you for being our Good Father and never changing. Let your kingdom come and may you be glorified in the midst of this difficult season. Bless your holy name.

Why am I a Christian?

 "Why am I a Christian?" is a question that anyone who goes to church on Sundays or identifies as a Christian should ask themselves. It is the most basic and most complex question all at the same time. I may ruffle a few feathers by saying this (or may downright piss some people off), but if your answer is "so that I can go to heaven", then I would argue that you are actually missing out on what it really means to be a Christian and are likely missing out on experiencing the blessing that the abundant life that God offers brings. The main problem about that answer is that it makes it all about yourself; it is a self serving gospel - you are a Christian because of what you get, not because of who God is or what He's done. It actually misunderstands what salvation really is all about and what Jesus was actually teaching us and what God was doing from the very beginning of the biblical story, culminating in Jesus' death and resurrection, and continuing today. Fleshing out this idea fully would take a series of blog posts and more work than I am able to put in right now, so I will leave that there since that is not what inspired me to write this post today (after not writing for a long time).

So why am I a Christian? Originally it was probably because my parents were; I grew up in the church, so it was quite natural for me to become a Christian, however, if I stayed there I would have probably had an answer like I wrote above as to why I am a Christian, which, ultimately, breaks down quite easily when challenged once you step out of your Christian circles. My Christian walk was quite interesting in some ways because from a young age I always knew that God was real and that He was the one true god - I experienced Him in some incredible ways when I was in my preteen years that never left any doubt in my mind - however I did not live as a Christian for many years of my teen and young adult life. At that point in my life, I was a Christian in name and basic belief only; it wasn't really apparent in my life and I did not cultivate a relationship with God in any real way. That all changed, however, when I finally realized that the way I was living was not sustainable, and not really even that enjoyable when I actually stopped (and was clear-minded enough) to think about it. That was when I started to realize that being a Christian was about more than going to church and not doing anything too bad so that you don't mess up your ticket into heaven. That's when God slowly began to draw me to Himself in a way I had never experienced before.

In my mind, and my heart, I didn't really become a Christian until I laid down my will and finally submitted myself to His will and allowed Him to be the Lord of my life. That doesn't necessarily mean I wasn't "saved" in an eternal sense before then; how do we know what exactly it takes to receive His salvation - is it simply "inviting Him into our heart" or is it more? I had prayed a prayer multiple times and I fully believed He was God, so you could say that yes I was saved, but as I look back I now realize that it was basically the minimum level of salvation and that I was missing out on what salvation really is about. It was only once I realized that God doesn't want to be invited into our hearts or into our lives, but that He wants to be the Lord of our lives and wants to live in covenant relationship with us, that my life was truly transformed and I finally began to live the abundant life that Jesus promised for the very first time. I can't remember when I first "invited Jesus into my heart", but I will always remember when I surrendered and made Him Lord of my life (which continues to deepen to this day and will until the day I die), because that is when my life changed forever and I can easily say that my life has gotten better consistently since then as I have allowed Him to lead me into His blessing instead of trying to bring Him along or into what I was doing.

So why am I a Christian? First, because God has absolutely transformed my life. He never gave up on me, even though others may have, and He kept pursuing me until I finally gave in and put Him first, and I have been living in His blessing ever since. To look at where I am today and consider where I was 15 years ago is astonishing, so much so that I doubt the people I knew back then that I haven't seen for years would recognize me today. Secondly, I am a Christian because as I've studied and learned about the different religions and belief systems that the world has to offer, Christianity and the Christian story makes the most sense of the world and brings the most value to this life and to all of creation than any other. Even when you only look at Abrahamic religions, which have similar basic foundations of who God is (based on the Hebrew Scriptures), Christianity stands apart because in the others (Judaism and Islam), it is mostly based on what we do, whereas in Christianity, God came down to earth as a man to do what we could never do ourselves. He has saved us not because of who we are, but because of who He is! Finally, I am a Christian because of who God is and the relationship that I have with Him. He is a good father who leads me and my family through life in a crazy world and blesses us in ways I never thought He would. He is the creator, the Redeemer, the great I Am, the Alpha and Omega, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The more I get to know Him, the more in awe I am of who He is, what He has done and what He is doing.

There is no other way that I would ever even consider living my life other than submitting myself to Him as Lord, following Him wherever He leads, and obeying His words and decrees. It is the best way to live life that there is, and I know that from experience because I tried many other ways of living, His is by far the greatest!

I don't really know why I felt compelled to write this post after not writing anything for so long, and I have no idea who will read this, but it just came to mind and I felt I needed to write it and share it. I will say that it is not the most nuanced or thought out thing I have written; it really was written in one draft from my heart with very little editing, so it may not be perfect and I am willing to take some push-back on what I've written - I am always willing to discuss matters of faith with whoever is willing to have a thought out and respectful dialogue. I hope that it helps or blesses even just one person; I know that thinking through it a little and writing it already was a blessing to me.