It's like I'm a little kid again. I'm sitting here, wide awake at 5:30 am on Christmas morning, unable to sleep. Unfortunately, it isn't a feeling of anticipation or excitement that is keeping me awake, this time it's very different feelings that keep me awake and alert.
I need to apologize to my friends and family who read this blog, and those who don't as well. Outside of my immediate family, and inside somewhat too, I have done a piss poor job of keeping in contact these last few months. Really, I haven't done a great job keeping people updated and staying connected to everybody back home in general since I left, but prior to these last few months there was more of a reason for it because I was incredibly busy. Unfortunately, these last few months, I don't have any reason for it other than I haven't had the motivation to do it and haven't really felt like I've had anything to say, which is kinda stupid because I've had multiple blog post ideas come into my mind, but I just haven't been able to pull the trigger.
These past few months have been some of the most difficult months for me since I left Canada in September, 2010 to leave it all behind and journey with God to the ends of the earth. See, during my first two years away I was busy; super busy. I was doing things. Learning more about God, going to help the unloved and underprivileged, studying His Word, teaching His Word. I was busier than I ever have been in my life, and I absolutely loved it and didn't feel tired or worn out at all, no matter how many late nights and early mornings I put in. These last few months have been very different, and I never would have imagined that they would be as difficult as they have been.
These last few months, all of that busyness was taken away. My school was over, and other than teaching on the Discipleship Training School at the beginning of this new "season", I didn't have any real commitments or responsibilities for my time. I had no idea what God wanted me to do with these 3-4 months that I had ahead of me, other than the two simple, yet difficult words He gave me of "Be still." Although this may sound like an easy and carefree season that someone coming off of an intense and busy last year and a half of bible study and teaching should love, it has been anything other than that for me.
Learning to be still and to still feel useful and valuable even though I wasn't doing a whole lot has been difficult and foreign and even, dare I say it, depressing. I have been spending my days in prayer, seeking God and reading His Word, while struggling to feel motivated and focused. I have had some amazing prayer times and have been given some awesome dreams and vision for future possibilities, but I've also had some times of feeling like I just want to hide in my office not doing much of anything. I am a hardworking man who loves to be busy, but here I have been for the last 3 months, sitting, doing what feels like nothing, while my fiancé is working her butt off all day every day helping feed over 300 people 5000 miles away at YWAM Perth. It has been a real attack on my identity and value, but deep down, I know that it's good and that He knows why it's happening.
So I'm sorry I haven't written, whether it be via email or Skype or Facebook or this blog. I knew I should have. I even wanted to sometimes. But I just haven't. It hasn't been that I've been too busy "doing God's work" or anything like that. I just haven't felt up to it. I haven't felt like I've had anything to say. I may have feared that people would be disappointed because I wasn't doing very much in the physical sense of things.
I believe that I've been struggling with depression these last few months. Not being busy, being away from my beautiful fiancé and having to deal with the difficulties that come from a long distance relationship, being away from my family and friends back home, and wanting to do things to help others or to just do something but feeling the conviction in my spirit that by doing those things I was actually being disobedient to my Father, has all come together to make me feel beaten down emotionally.
There is hope though and there is life because as difficult as this time has been, I know that it's for a reason. I know that He is moving and stirring. I know that this is one of the most important seasons of my life and that He is using this time to move in me to prepare me for the future. As much as I hate this, I know I need this. As much as I wish I could be studying the Bible every waking hour with deadlines looming over my head, I know that He wants me to have my identity rooted in Him and in being His son, not in what I'm doing for Him. Even in this hour that I've been writing this, I've felt Him moving and teaching me and reminding me that He's the one who has chosen for me to go through this and that it's for my good because He is my good Father and everything He does is for our good and is the best thing for me.
So, although nothing's really changed; it still doesn't feel like Christmas, I'm still apart from my family and friends and, most importantly, my fiancé, I still have the same money problems I had before, and I still don't know if I'm actually going to be able to really do anything before I leave New Zealand to be with Grace on January 22; it's starting to feel a little different. I'm starting to remember the Hope that I have, not just in the future, but even in the here and now and in the being still. It's amazing what happens when you invite the Father into how you're feeling. Maybe it is going to be a great Christmas after all!
I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and happy new year. Sorry this wasn't your usual happy holiday cheer post, but I needed to share with you all what was really going on, and sometimes that isn't always cheerful and happy. Thank you for reading and sharing with me what's happening, especially if you actually read the whole thing (I didn't plan for it to be this long. lol). And most of all, thank you for being my family and my friend, and I hope you too feel the warmth of the Father's embrace, no matter what your circumstance is this Christmas. He is so good, all the time!
God bless
